>Pretzel Helmke Logic

21 Nov

>”The NRA bosses know full well that the semi-automatic military-style Uzi assault pistol used by James Huberty killed 21 people and wounded 19 others at the McDonald’s in San Ysidro, Calif. And that the TEC-9 assault pistol used by the Columbine killers murdered 12 of their classmates and a teacher.”
–Paul “Hissy-Fit” Helmke, writing recently on the proposed bATFe Director and “assault weapons.”

Sebastian linked him. I won’t. But let’s have a look here — in Paul’s world, James Huberty is little more than a human bipod; it was a “semi-automatic military-style Uzi assault pistol” that “killed 21 people,” in other words, an overgrown, unwieldy handgun. And a Columbine, it wasn’t the criminals who were responsible but a cheaper, nastier pistol-like object, “the TEC-9 assault pistol…murdered 12 of their classmates.”*

The wording gives him away: he fears the machines. He thinks if all those malefactors had was a pack of sparklers and a few five-gallon cans of gasoline, or a double-bitted axe or a pitcher of koolaid and and a can of drain cleaner, or even an SUV, nothing bad could possibly have happened. He believes objects have volition. Presumably, were he ever to go mad, possibly from crushing eunni or overwhelming existential angst, and murder 37 grade-school children with a 12″ #2 Philips screwdriver, it would be the “Craftsman assault driver” that did the killing while the man himself looked on in horror, a helpless tool of the tool. Mmm-hmm.

Clearly, he’s emotionally overwrought. Not to mention thrilled to his sparkly-pink core at the thought of a Joyce Foundation gun-banner at the controls of bATFe. He’s set his sights on a new goal: the dreaded “assault pistol.” ‘Cos you can slap a big magazine in them. (Of course, you can get a big one for a 1911, too, or at least you once could. Even my little old Remington .22 is a 15-shooter). ‘Cos they look scary. (Tough. My freedom is not contingent on your fears). And ‘cos you can shoot them quickly. (Guess he’s never seen Jerry Miceluk shoot a revolver, or anyone with a modicum of skill shoot a good bolt-action rifle?)

So, that’s what’s in your sights? Goofy oversized black pistols? Thanks for the heads-up Paul! Oh, and Paul? You can’t have ’em. Remember? “Gun bans are off the table,” your side admitted after McDonald. And they still are, even if you were — once again — lying.
* Mind you, I find these handguns unaesthetic. They’re ugly. They’re in-between things of no particular utility — but if we banned things on the basis of ugliness and relative uselessness, there’s a whole lot of people who’d never be allowed out of the house.


9 Responses to “>Pretzel Helmke Logic”

  1. Tango Juliet 21 November 2010 at 7:52 pm #

    >but if we banned things on the basis of ugliness and relative uselessness, there's a whole lot of people who'd never be allowed out of the house.Ain't it the truth? :)Yeah, I have no tan. What about it?

  2. Stranger 21 November 2010 at 8:57 pm #

    >Actually, a cup of gasoline is more dangerous than a clip of 9mm. Remember, the largest mass murder in American history was committed with a half a can of gasoline and a match. Had Klebold and Harris troubled themselves to test the bombs they intended to blow up Columbine HS with the death toll would certainly have been in the hundreds. The paid anti's are not afraid of machines. They think everyone is the same as themselves, and they are absolutely terrified of allowing such people weapons.Stranger

  3. Secesh 21 November 2010 at 9:45 pm #

    >You're right, Helmke is a "helpless tool."

  4. Anonymous 22 November 2010 at 12:54 am #

    >Huberty killed a lot of people with the slide-action shotgun. He did not use the Uzi carbine until the shotgun malf'd.Shootin' Buddy

  5. Justthisguy 22 November 2010 at 8:25 am #

    >I am reminded of an SF story I read years ago whose author and title I don't remember. It involved a self-educated tinkerer who invented a nullifier (a device which could make things go "pop" and disappear) which could posit moral and ethical judgements. You could, for example, point it at a bucket of bolts and screws, and it would un-extantiate the good-for-nuthin ones. Well, he took it to a trade show and started demonstrating it. He pointed it at people and it would nullify their ugly moustaches and bad ties, etc., until somebody noticed that the number of people who left the booth was smaller than the number who entered. Yup, it nullified good-fer-nuthin people. He did not survive the riot.I think the title was Hog-Belly Honey.

  6. Roberta X 22 November 2010 at 9:06 am #

    >It sounds suspiciously like Cyril Kornbluth, though Sturgeon and William Tenn are p0ossiilities, too.

  7. Justthisguy 22 November 2010 at 9:19 am #

    >Um, I shoulda wrote "un-instantiate." (Make it never have existed)Not Sturgeon: His style was more elegant.Tenn, maybe?

  8. Joseph 25 November 2010 at 10:34 am #

    >"Hog-Belly Honey" was written by R.A. Lafferty.

  9. Roberta X 25 November 2010 at 6:53 pm #

    >I should have known. His short fiction was strikingly original. There'll only ever be one Lafferty! Now I'll have to hunt the yarn down.

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