>A very long time ago, I replaced a toaster just ‘cos it was old and ugly.
In so doing, I must have angered the Toaster Gods. I have been unable to casually make edible toast ever since.
It comes out burned. It comes (partially) out snagged. It gets snagged, never pops up and flames come out instead of toast. It toasts for ten minutes and comes out hardly toasted. It comes out with weird toaster mung on it. Or ants, no matter how careful I am of the crumb tray.
Do not offend the Toaster Gods. Though their scope may be small, their vengeance is swift and long-lasting. Or are they malevolent AIs, starting with the first Toaster With A Brain™? Impossible to be certain (see “Law, Clarke’s, #3“) In either case, I blame Thomas Disch.
(SRSLY, WTH? It’s about the simplest darned appliance in the entire kitchen. Set the doneness knob, drop ’em in, latch the sliding thingie, tick tick tick, toast, right? Not if you’re me. Sheesh.)
Meanwhile, at XKCD, the odd effects of forming long sodium chains are studied.
Oh, and I’m goin’ back to the doctor. Woke feeling icky again, took an anti-nausea pill and I still feel icky, just less likely to shed ballast.
The Adventures Of Roberta X 
>Modern toasters suck! Go find an old Sunbeam T-20 on eBay and make toast.
>I have the same problem, and didn't even offend by discarding an ancestor of the current version.In fact, I even adopted an old manual (non-pop-up) model I found curbside last summer-works great, so the toaster gods should revere me.Always amazes me that we could put men on the moon a couple of generations ago, yet are technologically defeated by a problem cavemen solved with fire and long, pointy sticks.I rationalize by telling myself that they just don't build 'em like they used to, and what can you expect for $16.95 anyway?Moisture content of the bread, its thickness and temperature (room, fridge) when you drop it in probably have a bearing.If you believe in science…
>Can't the Typewriter Gods put in a good word for you?
>It'll be a few bucks, but visit a good restaurant supply house and grab a commercial 4-slot. I've had one for years and, while moderately unattractive and heavy, it shows no signs of giving up or developing the dreaded "random toasted syndrome." Plus, unlike the consumer models, it allows two slices at a time, or all 4.
>We use and antique chrome one with bakelite handles. Bought it when the modern abomination died. Best toaster ever. You hear me toaster gods?
>Get well soon!!!
>We had a wedding present toaster that was made of chrome plated suck, and had handles made of brown plastic fail. It could not reliably toast anything. We replaced it with a white metal suck and plastic suck toastersucker, that toasts perfectly, but only toasts one half the slice of toast. You have to toast the toast, turn it upaide down, and toast the other side. I swear it's a "Half slice" toaster. I can toast better toast with a gas stove and a car antenna. Damned appliance designers.
>This fellow has some well considered views on the Human-Toaster Interface (scroll down to Try Merging With Your Toaster), though opinions vary. Personally, I think you are the vanguard in an early skirmish of The Great AI Revolt myself.
>Can I ask just one question? Would anyone like any toast?