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>Do Not RUN

16 Jan

>10 TIE ME KANGAROO DOWN
20 MATE
30 GOTO 10
40 END

Just promise me the offspring won’t be allowed to run wild. Kthxbye.

(Cybrus suggests an expansion, thusly:
10 ON (KANGAROO = DEAD) GOTO 50
20 TIE ME KANGAROO DOWN
30 MATE
40 GOTO 10
50 SKIN KANGAROO
60 TAN KANGAROO HIDE
70 INFORM CLYDE
80 HANG ON SHED: KANGAROO HIDE
90 INFORM NED
100 END
I have to point out that if you encounter an immortal kangaroo, you’re still stuck in a loop. Also it requires a non-standard version of BASIC.)

It has been suggested that this is cleaner programming:

DO UNTIL KANGAROO = DEAD
TIE ME KANGAROO DOWN
MATE
LOOP
SKIN KANGAROO
(…identical to beta s/w from here to END…)

>Hallo, Brain?

15 Jan

>[SFX: Alarm clock beeping]
Brain? Brain? Are you there? Are you awake?
::incoherent mumbling::
Brain!
::Whazzit awreddy? Y’up?::
Damn thing. I think the carburettor’s clogged. Paid good money for it, too.

Here’s a poster to tide you over, readers. I’ve gotta go have a little talk with my brain; it seems to think it’s got the day off.

>I Blame CNN

11 Dec

>I came to — it felt more like that than waking up — with Tam sitting on the foot of my bed and CNN blaring on my TV.

I blame my present soul-searing headache on that.

The TV had gone off at the usual time on the usual channel and The Lodger, in a kindly mood, had come in to turn it off, thought for some reason to see what the commigentsia were thinking (so to speak), changed the channel to Ted Turner’s jellybaby and got drawn in by the awfulness of it all.

I returned to full consciousness in time to have my eyeballs tugged out by a push-zoom from a handheld camera moving from the “anchor” (a leaden thing that was preventing motion) to a diminutive meteorologist; this move was followed up by the same handheld staggering across the set to end in a shot of the weatherlady from a vantage at least a foot and a half higher than the top of her head — a shot they held she proceeded to relate the weather with the usual Ritual Gesturing, accompanied by a disconcerting amount of cleavage. I’m not at all sure what the point was — drawing in the male viewership, perhaps? — but as the overture to a headache, it worked all too well.

I’ve gulped coffee and I’m gonna go cook something. Maybe that will help.

>Annoyance

3 Dec

>I really want to like Ka-Blam Digital Printing: kewl website, useful FAQs and about half the price of, say, Lulu.com. And they’ll even take my hand-hewn .TIF image and turn it into a shiny paperback cover!one!

Update: Finally heard back and constructive criticism it is too. Yay! Like I said, I want to like them. My cover art’s low-rez, which is what happens when you screencap a PDF to make it into a TIF via, ohgawd, MSPaint. Help? Need me a 300 or 1200 dpi TIF preversion.

…That is, they could if they would. But they won’t lift a finger even to say, “Get lost!” This, I find frustrating. Their Message Center is the sole and only way to talk to ’em and even that would be okay — except they don’t reply. Nothin’. Not even dialtone.

Further Updates in blue:

So right now I’m stuck going to have some with a suboptimal stock-Lulu cover design and a price that I’m not happy with. But supposedly I have some real proofs in the Ka-Blam pipeline (with a somewhat blurred cover ’til I gin up better art) and should be seeing them before the heavyset B&E man makes his red-suited rounds. Didja hear the rumor he used to be a bishop?

Yeah, I’m not so sure about even that. I doubt any story they tell me about him after the first big one turned out to be untrue. And I would be happy to be proven wrong when I’m starting to doubt online printers that look too good to be true, too. I wonder if FedEx/Kinkos Office does the smaller sizes? (Yes. Costs run a bit above Lulu)

>Seasoned Sounds

3 Dec

>Ah, the modern, all-purpose, inoffensive carol:

Dashing through the Stuff
In some kind of open Thing
Oh, what joy we’ll know
Oh, what songs we’ll sing!

Generictime, Generictime, Generictime is here
Filled with joy
And goodwill
And general Holiday cheer!

To the stores we’ll go
Making registers ring
How we’ll spend and spend
We’ll buy most anything!

[Chorus]

We won’t offend a soul
(Should we have used that word?)
A cultural black hole
Come on and join the herd!

[Chorus]

>It’s A "Medium," All Right

1 Dec

>Readers may remember the popular TV show, “Quantum Leap.” Every episode, our intrepid meddler hero ended up a short-term tenant in someone else’s body, needing to correct something in that person’s life.

Okay, if you can overlook the meddlesome others-know-best idea, it’s a cute notion. It got good ratings, too.

…Only it turns out, it wasn’t all that original. On the other hand, it was cribbed from a trio of geniuses: the Marx Brothers were (almost) there first, with Deputy Seraph, “in which Chico and Harpo were angels whose job was to possess people for brief periods of time: bringing two lovers together, exposing a criminal, and so forth.” Sound familiar? –Oh, and Grouco is their boss, the title character.

Alas, Deputy Seraph never got past a few minutes of film to frame the pilot. A routine medical check prior to insuring the actors found Chico had advanced hardening of the arteries; he got a downcheck on insurance and the show never got off the ground. Two years later, he was gone.

The idea, however, must have still been in the air a few decades later….

If there is anything new under the sun, Hollywood’s already working on sequels followed by a remake. You have heard they’re reshooting the Wizard of Oz from the original MGM script, haven’t you?

(Just to take the edge off, at this link you’ll find about 45 minutes of Chico and Groucho in their radio program Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel, giving the legal profession the full benefit of their skills).

>IMPD: It’s Raining Wheels

13 Nov

>…’Cos they keep falling off. Originally reported as “impersonating an officer,” it seems a fellow gave a…dancer….a ride home the other night; he made advances, she demurred…and he flashed a badge and relived her of her ready cash!

And now, it’s come out he might have been an actual city policeman. And it’s IMPD saying so.

I’m tired of these stories; I’m tired of them turning out to be worse than they look at first glance. This is still only (only?!) 2 or 3 percent of a police force I’d like to think is as good as any in the nation.

But it’s time they started doing a better job of policing their own. Looky here, IMPD, you are us. You are citizens, subject to the same laws and held to even higher standards. Please start acting like it.

Tam’ll have links later, and I’ll link to her posting.

Meanwhile, much like Sinead O’Conner vs. the Pope, IMPD keeps on fighting the “real” enemy. Oh, well-played, sah, well played indeed.

Fatheads.

Think we could swap PSH, er, PSD Frank Straub for Sheriff Ken Campbell for even a year? Or would Boone County sue us? Hey, Frank, you could maybe at least ask him for some advice on HowIt Is Done.